Grief

Grief.

Going through a roller coaster of emotions, and not the fun kind. Laugh, cry, shake, shudder, we fall. It's like living deep beneath the earth. Every time I push away a clump of dirt and see light for a moment, more dirt piles on top. I gasp for air, scream for help, but I fell in the forest. The nightmares abound, the loved ones we've lost. The pain, it returns like an old friend that you tried to forget. Eyes wide, hearts wrenched, someone pull me in from sea. I'm vulnerable like a lamb. Let the wolves eat me, it will never be as painful as the sorrow that I feel now. Hopelessly waiting for the comfort I'll never receive from the one I'll never be able to look upon again. Don't wait up for me cuz I'll be here a thousand years. The light that once emanated from me was squeezed into submission by the darkness of cold hard reality. A sudden slap in the face, a stab in the back. I scream to the world, "Not here, not now!" Why don't you take some other fool and leave me in peace. I couldn't bear another day like this so I let go. I need someone to hold on to. Where's the tree I'm supposed to hug? You have to experience this to feel what I'm feeling, you can't walk in my shoes without feeling the burden for yourself. Even now it almost seems unreal. I can forget for a second but then I am plunged back in to the ice water from whence I came. My friends all around, take a piece, just a slice, of this poison cake I'm feasting on. Everyone cares, they all understand. I feel no animosity towards them, no bitterness, no regrets, "should have told him". No. Months before I had started saying "I love you" each night in case it came to that but not even I could see the gravity of the situation. Barely now can I begin to understand, comprehend what just happened. Is it possible? How could it be? It's almost denial but I don't feel like I fit in those neat little boxes. Can anyone feel what I'm feeling right now? I hope that you'll never have to but I know better than that. This is grief. This is suffering. This is loss.